Prison was my safe haven.
This is my prison.
Welcome to my 4 walls.
I have a view of the world through the bars that I created.
Thick steel bars that have been tainted with darkness – mainly by my close friends, depressions, anxiety, lies, disappointment. Stagnancy stains the walls.
It's my holding cell, my Ninevah, my comfort zone.
I watch the world fly by. The sun rises, then it sets. Day in, day out.
I see the beauty through faded lenses. The ones that I put on when I entered the comfort of the cold, lonely structure which I specifically designed.
Designed purposefully to hide from the pain that the world offers.
But the loneliness brings a different type of pain – a deep, burning sorrow. A yearning to belong.
An overwhelming sense of jealousy, despair and guilt bubbles to the surface. When people are around I swallow it back down to the pit of my stomach and then hold it there where it brews like the fire in a dragons belly.
But when I am in my prison, my safe place, I let the bubbles fizz, burning my eyes.
Occasionally letting the overflow of my heart seep out.
Then I get furious because not only am I alone because my cell is only big enough for one person to barely fit, but I am also weak.
Isn’t it sad that even when I create something in my own mind, I don’t even fit?!
They say what doesn’t kill you, makes your stronger.
They say that sticks and stones may break your bones, but what happens when they turn into boulders?
My prize possession is my backpack filled with burdens that I don’t want to leave on anyone else. I don’t want my crumbs to be left around – polluting the perfectness of others' lives.
It's getting heavy.
Imprints of straps are left on my shoulders as the burdens continue to accumulate.
But, this morning I watched the sun rise.
More beautiful than I have ever witnessed.
The colors more radiant than I have ever seen.
As if in slow motion, lasting longer, well longer than I’ve really paid attention too anyway.
I notice a man approaching, arms stretched out wide, filling the horizon.
He unlocked the door to my cell and threw away the key. So I can no longer hide in the darkness. He broke my chains, so I can no longer hide in my Ninevah but now run towards his promises and his plans for me.
Then he took my baggage and heaved it onto his own back.
Even though the darkness was comfortable, He brought a light which infected my life.
He lifted the polluted lenses from my eyes.
People believe that it is always greener on the other side. The beauty is right in front of me; I just needed to take off my translucent, fractured glasses.
I can feel his love... Not judging, but unconditional, untainted, pure love.
What was once sorrow brewing is now overflowing joy.
There is no way to escape the freedom.
My hardened heart has melted.
Though I am no longer comfortable, I am GRATEFUL.
I can feel him guiding me, molding me into who he wants me to be.